Jargon Watch

Subject: Jargon Watch
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. [closely related to the Safety Nazis and Health Fascists]
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake at your computer.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs - "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of US postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.  "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode).  Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software.  "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa,"
Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients.  "This page is kinda dull.
Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."
Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend.  Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.  Families frequently suffer from Costcophobia, a related, untreatable illness.
Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.  The O.J.
trials were a prime example.
Midair Passenger Exchange - Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision.  Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."
PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard."
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, leaves droppings over everything and then leaves.
Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer.  The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."
Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired.  Heard on the voice mail of a vice-president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice-president.  Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance."  See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands.  For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere.  Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal:  "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody has is yuppie food stamps."
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the daylights out of an electronic device to get it to work again

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