HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS): I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. ----------------------------------------------------- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. --------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. --------------------------------------------------- The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. ---------------------------------------------------- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. ---------------------------------------------------- To write with a broken pencil is pointless. ---------------------------------------------------- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. ---------------------------------------------------- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. ------------------------------------------------------- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. ----------------------------------------------------- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. ------------------------------------------------------- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. ------------------------------------------------------ We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. ------------------------------------------------------ When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. ------------------------------------------------------ The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. ------------------------------------------------------ The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. -------------------------------------------------------- The dead batteries were given out free of charge. --------------------------------------------------------- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. --------------------------------------------------------- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. --------------------------------------------------------- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. ----------------------------------------------------------- A will, is a dead giveaway. --------------------------------------------------------- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. ----------------------------------------------------------- A backward poet writes inverse. ----------------------------------------------------------- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. -------------------------------------------------------------- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. ------------------------------------------------------------ If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. ------------------------------------------------------------ With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. ------------------------------------------------------------ Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. ------------------------------------------------------------- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. ------------------------------------------------------------- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. -------------------------------------------------------------- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. -------------------------------------------------------------- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. --------------------------------------------------------------- Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. --------------------------------------------------------------- He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. ---------------------------------------------------------------- A calendar's days are numbered. ---------------------------------------------------------------- A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. ------------------------------------------------------------------ A boiled egg, is hard to beat. ---------------------------------------------------------------- He had a photographic memory which was never developed. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A plateau, is a high form of flattery. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. ----------------------------------------------------------------- When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. ------------------------------------------------------------------ If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. ------------------------------------------------------------------ When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Santa's helpers, are subordinate clauses. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Acupuncture: a jab well done. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
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