Some things to pass on to your grandchildren.

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said:

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some more of his gems:

• 1.) I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• 2.) Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
• 3.) Half the people you know are below average.
• 4.) 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 5.) 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 6.) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• 7.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• 8.) If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
• 9.) All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
• 10.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• 11.) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• 12.) OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• 13.) How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
• 14.) If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• 15.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• 16.) How come, when everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• 17.) Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• 18.) Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
• 19.) I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
• 20.) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• 21.) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• 22.) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• 23.) My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
• 24.) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• 25.) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• 26.) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• 27.) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• 28.) The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• 29.) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• 30.) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• 31.) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• 32.) The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
• 33.) Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

This page created and maintained by Dave Palmer
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